Ore no Kokoro wa Tsuki no Kage no Shita 
(My Heart is Under the Moon's Shadow) 

Written By: Mel

Owned and Loved by: Prism

Rating: PG

Summary: Yukito angst-fest. Poor snow rabbit doubts his right to love Touya. 
Maybe the dark haired one can change his mind???

Note: This fantastic and wonderful thing was given to me, Prism, as a B-Day 
present from the awesome Mel! She studied, read, and asked lots of questions 
just to learn this pairing for me. Arigato, Sempai! If you would like her to 
know what a wonderful job she did, please send any feedback to 
prism_matrix@hotmail.com. She'll get it, I promise. 

Note 2: Did I mention that Mel is an angst writer? Wonderful, tearjerking angst. 
But, since she knows I appreciate the fluffier things in life at times, she made 
two endings for this. If you like fluff and happy endings, don't go past the 
large space. If you have cravings for angst, keep on going.

 
"The moon is an inconstant thing isn't it?" 

"I think it's very constant. It's just that the light of the sun makes it seem 
that it changes when it really remains the same. The true form is covered in the 
absence of its light." 

"I was trying to be rhetorical." 

"I was being gnomic." 

The shadow that was called Yukito Tsukishiro turned his back to his companion 
and tried to hide the sadness on his face. "I'm sorry I brought it up. Usually 
I'm not so melancholy." 

"That's my responsibility," responded the calm voice of Yue. The solemn guardian 
of the Clow Cards betrayed no hint of amusement to Yukito. In fact his pale face 
looked as calm as the personification of his element, the moon. 

Yukito looked at his sole companion in the landscape of their minds. An entire 
universe created by the mind--no, minds he had to remind himself--for their 
personal coexistence. It was one of the strange benefits of being a creation of 
the most powerful sorcerer on earth. The downside of it was that the sorcerer 
had died and left the maintenance, as well as purpose, to an incomplete being 
that couldn't independently survive. So Clow Reed cast out the shadow of his 
creation, made him a face and a life, to better assist his beloved guardian. 

That's what Yukito was, simply a shadow of an illusion. Clow made Yue with a 
purpose in mind, and even if he was a fabrication, Clow wanted him. That was 
some sort of reality for the winged creature, while Yukito was a necessary 
facade, a creation for a creation. He was never intended to be. It was an 
indirect existence that made him feel less than inhuman. 
 
I am not here 
I think I've never 
Been here at all or ever will 
I feel like a place where no one goes anymore 
 
Yue, who had grown to recognize his usually cheerful companion's decent into 
brooding, cleared his throat. "Thinking about him again?" 

"Always," Yukito laughed softly. "You don't have to ask though. It isn't as if I 
could hide any of my thoughts from you. I'm an open book for you to read." 

"I don't like to intrude on your personal life needlessly." 

Yukito felt the smoldering resentment flare up in him. "What life? It isn't like 
there's anything that I can claim as my own." 

Yue didn't seem abashed at the barb. He merely closed his eyes in contemplation. 
"You have such a strange fixation on this concept. You are real just as any 
other animal. Your conception is unimportant and irrelevant to this. Why do you 
persist on determining your status of being a living thing?" 

Yukito knew Yue already had his answer and was just goading him to answer the 
fear in his own heart. If he was not ikimono, if he had no soul or will that 
people defined the true ideal of living, then he could never accept going 
through the motions of living. He couldn't accept loving someone real, someone 
he cared for and wished to have a happy life, and therefore unattainable for 
someone like Yukito. 

"Let us pretend that you were born to a normal family, all your memories were of 
a normal life, and you had no tie to magic whatsoever…Would that make you this 
idea of real?" Yue questioned. "Or is this merely a justification for the deeper 
problem?" 
Yukito remained silent. 

"You think because you aren't real, he can't really love you?" 

"I think because I'm not human he shouldn't go through that pain. He already 
gave up so much for me. I won't have him lose any more of his happiness." Yukito 
bowed his head sadly. The young boy wiped the tears that threatened to spill on 
his lenses and blur his vision. "I'm not important enough for him. I'm not even 
real to accept what kindness he's shown me as my friend." 

"What if having you is his happiness?" 

Yukito sighed, finding something in him that was willing to speak even if it was 
already known. "If I'm not real, what's to say my love for him is real?" 

"Does it really matter?" 

"It does to me. I put on this happy face, like nothing is wrong, because I don't 
want him to know how insecure I am about this. Before I didn't know, but 
something inside me told me to hide whatever fear I had from him, because he 
would reject me or something horrible would happen. Now that I know the truth, 
I'm a creation from you, I can't. I just can't." 

Yue calmly unfolded his wings. "Can't or won't or mustn't or shouldn't; so many 
different excuses for your fear of loving Touya Kinomoto. But it doesn't matter, 
because this will only be resolved when you stop lying to yourself about the 
truth." 

Yukito felt himself shaken and the world beginning to fade. He turned his hazel 
eyes to Yue in confusion. "What's happening?" 

Yue shrugged. "You are being summoned. I'll leave you to the world I have no 
interest in. So wake up young one, wake up…" 
 
Why can't you see that everything's broken 
And why can't you see that my life's turned grey? 
I can't believe in anything sacred 
When I don't believe that I am real 
 
"Yuki, wake up!" Touya Kinomoto scolded as he shook his friend once again. 
Yukito sputtered and sat up straight in bed. Unfortunately, the sudden movement 
had him nose to nose with Touya who was smiling mischievously. 

"To-ya? What are you doing here?" Yukito mumbled sleepily, trying hard not to 
blush as he fetched his glasses. He fumbled with them before letting the picture 
of his friend sharpen with the lenses. 

"I wanted to see if you were all right," Touya smirked and ruffled his friend's 
silver hair. "You gave me quite a scare before, and I wanted to make absolutely 
certain that you won't fade away again." 

"To-ya..." Yukito breathed, tears brimming in his eyes. 
Touya sat down on the bed. "Don't feel bad, I was just worried. Touya noticed he 
was leaning too close and leaned back. "Besides, Sakura and Tomoyo-chan are 
taking over the house for some movie or something. I had to get out." 

"Oh." 

Touya looked down at his clasped hands. "Actually, Yuki, that's a lie. I didn't 
come to get away, or just check up on you." 

"Really? What's the matter To-ya?" Yukito asked and placed his hand on Touya's 
shoulder in solace. "If I can help in any way..." 

In a flash Touya's hand clasped Yukito's and he turned around. "I have something 
I need to tell you. I've been meaning to for a while, but after what just 
happened I know I have to get it out." 

Yukito inwardly winced. Was Touya going to tell him that he couldn't even be 
friends anymore, or that he hated him for making him give up the only way to 
talk to his mother? Did he despise him? 

"When I saw you fading, and held you asleep in my arms..." Touya closed his eyes 
and tried to repress the tears that threatened to come. "I always felt so happy 
when you were asleep near me, because I thought that meant you trusted me. I 
know you do anyway, but when you were asleep with your arms curled around my 
waist I knew then..." 

Yukito gasped as he felt Touya turn around and the small pressure of Touya's 
palm pressed against his neck, slowly making their way up to his jaw line. 

"Wh-what are you trying to say?" Yukito whispered in a strangled cry under his 
friend's attentive contact that drove his senses mad. 
 
Why does it seem that everything's different? 
And why does it seem that only you are real? 
I don't believe in anything sacred 
So, why do I feel so damn alone? 
 
Touya ran his fingertips across Yukito's cheek ever so gently. "Yuki..." 

"To-ya," Yukito choked out the nickname, blinking back the pain in his chest as 
the other boy moved forward. "What are you doing?" 'What are you doing to me?' 
his mind echoed silently. 

"I wanted to keep seeing you, didn't I?" Touya laughed softly, the warmth 
ruffling Yukito's silver hair. The older boy pulled him closer. "After the 
chance of almost losing you, I wanted to make sure I would have the chance to 
tell you…" 

"You don't have to tell me anything…" 

Touya pulled Yukito's chin up with his free hand so they were eye to eye. "It's 
not a matter of having to, it's me wanting to tell you. I've wanted to tell you 
for so long Yuki. I need to tell you, for both our sakes." 

Yukito blinked back tears and tried to push away from Touya's casual, and yet so 
intimate, embrace. He couldn't afford to let himself believe that what he would 
say was what Yukito always wanted him to say. If he let that illusion come, like 
the illusion of his life, there would be nothing more to hold onto to keep him 
going. 

"Ore wa omae ga..." 

"Please To-ya," Yuki whispered as he futilely fought against his friend's strong 
chest. 

"Ore wa omae ga..." 

"Please!" Yukito sobbed against Touya's collar. "Please don't." 
He knew what would come. How he had desperately hoped the words would finish out 
as daisuki da, "I love you," instead of the first thing he said when Yukito 
knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was done for. Like the time before when 
Touya held his fading form and whispered softly. "Ore wa omae ga ningen nai 
shitte da." 

I know you aren't human. 

Yukito collapsed against his friend, tears streaming down his face. Again, just 
like the time before he kept trying to tell him. He couldn't take the hurt that 
came from Touya's realization again. It was more painful than acknowledging his 
lack of reality. The one you love, the cherished truth that becomes your 
standard in life, they realize that you aren't real to love them. 

Yukito could feel Touya smile against his forehead, the way his friend's skin 
pushed against his own. Touya merely pulled him into the warm hug, an embrace 
that was too much to be between friends. The way Touya's fingers ran across his 
rib cage, how closely their torsos were pressed together, and the impossible way 
Yukito found himself entangled in his friend's tan arms. 

And Touya's voice made Yukito melt into him as confessed the words both needed. 
Touya whispered softly, "Ore wa omae ga hontou shinjiru." 

I believe you are real. 
 
It seems so bizarre 
But none of this matters 
Thoughts disappear, and hopes have died 
But now I am safe, nothing can hurt me here 
 
'In your arms To-ya,' Yukito sobbed happily. 'For once I'm in your arms and it 
doesn't hurt me.' He pulled tighter, striving to pull himself inside Touya's 
broad chest and let himself remain there for all time. The boy sniffled as his 
glasses tilted awkwardly, making him lose focus. 

"I love you," Yukito whispered. 

A moment where the world stood still and the silver headed boy was held in 
suspension, screaming out in his mind for Touya to say something. He didn't know 
what to do if Touya told him he didn't love him, he didn't know if he could 
exist without his acceptance. Eternity filled the space of waiting for Yukito 
before Touya replied softly. 
"I love you too." 

And then Yukito did something unexpected as he pulled his face from where it lay 
on Touya's chest and gently pressed his lips on his friend. Touya stiffened for 
a moment before letting the tension go and returning the kiss with equal 
affection. 

Touya's arms wrapped around Yukito as if to gently shelter his newfound love. 
Yukito almost cried out in joy, this happened. Touya loved him. Touya made him 
real. If he existed for no one else, let it be for the one he loved so dearly. 

And for the first time ever, Yukito Tsukishiro felt that he was truly alive. 
 
The End *the fluffy version-read on if you dare to tread into the realm of 
angst* 

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Locked in my memories 
There's nowhere left for me to hide 
But I am not real 
I've made all I am with lies 
 
But the moment he felt his heart explode in a new sensation of existence, the 
feeling of Touya's arms began to fade. His friend's brown eyes melted into a 
darkness that drowned Yukito. He screamed against the darkness, striving 
desperately to hold onto the warmth of their lips together, their bodies 
entwined. It was pulling away from him. 

"NOOOO!" Yukito screamed, a heart-shattering sob as he twisted against his 
sheets. "It can't be a dream! No! It can't go away! No! To-ya don't leave me!" 

Yukito wrenched his eyes open and searched frantically for any sign of Touya. 
Anything, he could say anything and Yukito would find haven in that. The boy 
bend over himself, crying aloud, begging without shame, for him to return. It 
was all a dream, from his conversation with Yue to the soft touch of Touya's 
lips against him. 

"For a second I felt real," Yukito sobbed hoarsely, "Even if it was only in a 
dream." 
He turned over on his side and clutched the pillow, letting the tear streaks 
from his cheek fall and soak the pillow. Yukito didn't care. Nothing was real. 
He wasn't real. This world of reality wasn't worth having if he couldn't have 
the one thing he needed to be complete. 
Yukito clutched himself as he cried himself to sleep, hoping for the dream he 
always had to magically become true. The next time. If he tried hard enough it 
would be real the next time. 

Beside the bed stood Yue who looked down on his other self with pity. "Little 
one, how can you even question your existence? I know that you are more real 
than most humans are. Your pain is more potent, your tears sting more. Don't you 
know that the souls that dream are the most real of them all?" 
 
I need someone to break the silence 
That's screaming in my head 
And in my soul 
And in my soul…